Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sometimes just a sign helps your heartache..

I miss someone. I've actually missed them for a long time...but there are times when the hurt and longing for someone you miss is stronger than others...when it is so strong you feel the physical pain of think you have healed but your reminded that there are pieces missing and will be forever...I read a post that struck a cord with my heart over at Family Stamping and Food. Almost 5 years ago I lost my Nana. My Nana was a huge part of my life. She pretty much raised me...not because I didn't have a Mom I did and still do and she is my best friend...but my Nana was just something indescribable. She was the rock of our family. All of us were drawn to her. If you had troubles or problems you went to Nana. She fought a war with cancer...and lost. Even as I type this the pain of her loss is fresh and no less painful than it was when I watched her take her last breath...I was beside her because she stayed beside me when I fought my war with cancer. I prayed just as hard for her as I know she did for me. For the past couple of months I have missed her more than ever..the sound of her voice..her words of encouragement. I wanted her beside me again....and since I couldn't have that I wanted a sign...just any sign that she was watching that she knew...that she knew I missed her and loved her. That she knew I was able to have a baby...that I was fixing to have another one. I know that she is watching in my heart I really do. I know that she is up there in heaven watching and smiling down....but I just needed some peace...just plain greed I guess because really I just want her back so bad...even if just for a moment. I got my sign and it gave me the peace I wanted...

My Nana was a great cook...and in my family there are not that many of them. There didn't have to be...Nana was queen in the kitchen as well as in our hearts. My Mom is just now becoming a good cook...she says it took her all this time to find patience for cooking...I think it took her this long to just figure out that the fire alarm was not the oven timer telling her when dinner was done and that recipes were meant to be followed and that sometimes you shouldn't "wing it" especially if you couldn't fly...learn to fly then "wing it". (Now this is nothing that my Mom and I haven't laughed or talked about thousands of times so don't think I am talking bad about my Mom...I am southern and we don't do that...but we are honest and state pure truths..especially when said Mom is out of town for a month and did not make me that dump cake she promised before she left...hi Mom if your reading this...should have stuck to your promise and I wouldn't have outed you on the net.) Anyways back to Nana. She loved cooking and passed that love on to me...and being that I was the first one to love it out of all her kids I was the one she taught to cook. She never followed recipes...she threw the ingredients together...she didn't even own measuring cups or measuring spoons...and that was how I learned to make all of her food. Now there were times when I really had trouble with the dish...her fudge to this day is still not something I can whip up without ruining dinner plates (story on that some other time), her biscuits aren't my strong point either because her biscuits stayed soft all day...they never ever hardened up...even days later...not that they lasted that long ( I make good biscuits but they have a shelf life of a few hours then they start to harden)...and the final one was her chocolate pie recipe...because I begged and pleaded she would sometimes write up a "recipe" but it was just a guess at the measurements of what she put in it. When anyone wants a "Granny dish" (I was the only one who called her Nana) they call me. I true to her teaching don't measure on her dishes because now I can cook (almost except those 3 things) like her. (I have to measure on everything else though and I own several sets of measuring cups and spoons because I am not queen in the kitchen at this point I am somewhere around duchess..but I am working on it) The other day when my missing her was at one of its highest points I was going through cookbooks and recipe boxes. In one of those recipe boxes a scrap of paper fell out. It was old and dirty. It landed face down so I couldn't tell what was on it till I picked it up and flipped it over. Goosebumps and tingles covered me from head to my Nana's handwriting was her recipe for chocolate pie....and all I could think was thanks Nana I needed that...I love you too.


Anonymous said...

Beautiful post and that gave me goosebumps!