Monday, March 29, 2010

Blind to blessings...

I am guilty sometimes of only seeing the worst. The glass is half empty...the glass is almost out.. rarely pondering that the glass is half full or that my glass sometimes is really over flowing. I am sometimes guilty of being covered in blessings but never "seeing" them. I can say that is not always the today. To be more accurate like the past few days. I think part of the problem is that I spend most of my time rushing. I rush mentally and physically. While I am flying by I see all the bad. I see everything that's not done...or everything I don't have. Its only when I slow down do I start to see all the good....everything I have accomplished..or that I already have everything I need. The last few months have been really hard. I have spent alot of time fearing what was coming after I have the new baby (still nameless in case you were wondering). Because lets be honest. Babies are alot of work. I know 16 months ago I had a newborn. Babies are also alot of money... not to mention now I will have 2 in diapers. One on the liquid gold (at least thats what it costs as much as) that they call formula. I really wasn't looking forward to it...the work, the tiredness, and even more sacrifice to make ends meet. I dwelled completely in the negative because I was moving so fast that I never gave myself a moment to see positive side. This weekend my husband was off of work and we spent the entire weekend wrapped up in each other...the hubs, H and I. We only did what we wanted to do. We played in our yard, went to a park, slept late, stayed up late, took lazy naps, ate late breakfasts, visited friends, and just enjoyed being a family. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with guilt as I watched H play. I had somehow forgot the miracle it was for me to have a baby. I mean I had said thanks for another baby...but deep in my heart I don't think I felt it at least not at the right magnitude. Not that I didn't want it...just that I doubted myself and the situation that I know is right around the corner. It was like a light went off or suddenly everything that had been out of focus finally became not just legible but crystal clear. I started crying. Here I am pregnant again when I was told by so many that I would never have a baby. In remission from a terminal illness that no one thought I would live through. Sitting beside the man that I thought only existed in dreams. Watching my first born son play in our yard as his little brother did his best to kick hard enough to bruise my internal organs (I see soccer in this ones future). I immediately started praying and offering my thanks apologizing for my blindness to all the blessing that surround me. I gave thanks for my babies. I gave thanks for my health. I gave thanks for the man who is my rock. I gave thanks for my husbands job...and although it is not without struggles the opportunity to be able to stay home with my kids. I gave thanks for all the times that somehow our needs were met...when I just "knew" they wouldn't be. I gave thanks for everything that I had previously taken for granted....If right now your glass is half empty then take a moment...maybe you are moving to fast slow down and see how full the glass really may suprise you.